I just cut my nipple shaving
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
