The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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