You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She bit a glass in half.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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