im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We need a shit load of segways right now
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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