Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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