I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
