I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
