Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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