listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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