he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
