whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
