I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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