i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
