I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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