dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
