im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
