I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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