I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
