Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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