I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
