I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
