Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
