Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
