My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize