all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
