I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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