I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
