Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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