So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
