he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
