i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
