i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
