You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
