he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
