Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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