i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
