My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
