I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
