just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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