omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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