I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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