I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
