Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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