Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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