I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
