Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
