i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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