Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
