jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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