And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
